Let me write a poem.

[掲示板: Chat with SSS friends in English -- 最新メッセージID: 1203 // 時刻: 2021/9/29(11:48)]

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1193. Let me write a poem.

お名前: fauree1845
投稿日: 2014/12/14(06:00)

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Snow makes the roads white

This winter is also going to be cold

Unkind words have hurt me but I'm OK

I've OK'd what will go with me

I still believe my will power

Even if it snows too much

Warmth will melt the snow completely

Sometimes I go mad

But something kind and warm makes me all right

And sometimes I get angry

Then another thing appears and I feel OK

Or sometimes I really feel depressed

Tell me, my friend

What colour the warmth is

Feel that, my friend

So that you won't be depressed any more

You are the best of everything

And there you've got the goodness

Listen to my inner voice,

Trembling a little because of fear

But I've got pure kindness and warmth

Because you've always comforted me

I think spring will come as usual

Now I understand that

Spring's going to be wonderful

And then lots of green shoots will come up

We can have these optimistic feelings

Those things are the most important for me

Now I wonder when the next year comes

While writing this humble poem

=End=

Actually, this is my first poem-writing.

I don't know the rules of poems at all.

If the contents in it are bad, please tell me.


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1194. Re: Let me write a poem.

お名前: スニフ
投稿日: 2014/12/14(06:48)

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"fauree1845"さんは[url:kb:1193]で書きました:
〉Snow makes the roads white
〉This winter is also going to be cold

〉Unkind words have hurt me but I'm OK
〉I've OK'd what will go with me
(snip)
〉I don't know the rules of poems at all.
〉If the contents in it are bad, please tell me.

I think the last word of the second line `cold' should rhyme
with the last word of the first line `white'.
It would be better to construct the second line to end with
a word such as `hide', `kite', `slide', etc..


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1195. Thanks so much

お名前: fauree1845
投稿日: 2014/12/14(07:16)

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"スニフ"さんは[url:kb:1194]で書きました:
〉〉Snow makes the roads white
〉〉This winter is also going to be cold

〉〉Unkind words have hurt me but I'm OK
〉〉I've OK'd what will go with me
〉(snip)
〉〉I don't know the rules of poems at all.
〉〉If the contents in it are bad, please tell me.

〉I think the last word of the second line `cold' should rhyme
〉with the last word of the first line `white'.
〉It would be better to construct the second line to end with
〉a word such as `hide', `kite', `slide', etc..

Thank you for giving me an informative tip.

I'm so glad to read my first poetic writing.

Your advice makes me aware of the importance of "rhyming".

I didn't even notice that poetic error(am I wrong?).

In fact, this "poem" consist of an instant imagnation and fragile but streight passion inside me.

If possible, I want to know more about poem, which is my assignment.

Have a nice day!


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1196. Re: Let me write a poem.

お名前: ミッシェル
投稿日: 2014/12/17(22:06)

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Dear fauree1845-san,

Nice poem. It is kind of lyric and beautiful. You have talent of the music and the art.
The poem seems to be a local song with a calm melody.
If there is work to be done, it might be better that several rhymes are constructed, as Sunif-San said.

Writing poem is difficult to me, because I am familiar to write theoretical sentences.
I love to weave so concrete and fixed explanations that no one would understand incorrect. (I know everyone don't like it)
Still now, however, I can't write in such a way in English and I like to read your poem.!
In fact, reading and writing are such a different things. :-) (by the way, this is Kaomoji. You should look at it vertically.)
Cheers,

Michael


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